Blog 4 - Summer Blues

I suck. I missed a few days. But that's okay.

Anyways, I've been having the summer blues lately. Nothing really is happening in the house because I never seem to wake up in time for them to happen. I really have to fix my schedule or else I will forever be messed up. If my sister hadn't woken me up this evening, I would have went into an eternal slumber--that is until my Prince Charming comes along and gives me that kiss, or until my granny comes into my room and smacks me on the head with a bag of bok-choy.

Anyways, I ended up waking up at 10 pm last night, and stayed up till 5 pm and died once again. I've been having strange dreams lately, and for some reason they all have tomatoes in it. I do not understand the significance of it. Maybe my brain's just trying to tell me something, but then again, may be I'm just going crazy. Anyways, I was pretty down yesterday, due to a couple of things:

1.) The mango I ate was sour
2.) Something I shall not reveal to the public


I also cleaned out my shelf yesterday, because I just had one of those days where I decided that it would be nice to just clean something. I shouldn't have because my shelf was just full of mangas, and I nearly died. I think I have over 100 or them, I don't really know. I haven't counted for a while, but I did lay them all over the floor.



And while i was searching through my photos, I found this:



I don't know when that was taken, but I have to say that I am one big dork. They're all the old Pokemon cards, unfortunately. I guess it wouldn't help my case much if I said that I dueled my cousin with old Yu Gi Oh cards today. And I lost almost every battle because I suck. I just can't get past his super high level deck to hit his damn life points.

Anyways, today we were watching "Wipe Out" the marathon, and I was laughing rather loudly at the guys as the got canned and fell into mud and water. My sister came out and yelled her ass off at us because we were apparently being too loud, but then again she PMS's in the morning all the time. Speaking of which I had to check something on the computer, and it apparently woke my younger sister up, and she yelled at me. Then five seconds later my older sister comes out swearing like a banshee, and of course, because I am a big potty mouth, I swore back. Good thing she was half asleep or else I'd whack her one. Hard. In the genitals (whoever said it doesn't hurt girls when you do this: a.) doesn't have a womanly "under there" and b.) hasn't been whacked in the womanly "under there")

So, then after I just sat mindlessly in my mom's room trying to sleep, but I guess trying to sleep in a room with a blaring TV, and with my mom on the phone yapping isn't exactly the best place to be. I ended up trying to sleep on the floor in the hall after, but then everybody was trying to step over me so that didn't work either. I ended up sleeping in my sister's room for a bit (5 hours). Then I was woken up by her, and was seriously about to burst out crying like a baby because I am that lame. I did end up crying a little because-- I don't really have a reason. I was tired and she woke me up. ):

After that, I went downstairs to see that my older sister was making something. It was viet noodles. She asked:

"Do you want any?"

I said: "Me?"

Her: "F--k no."

Me: "B*tch."

My sisters are mean to me. And whenever my cousin and younger sister tease me or says something to make me look like an idiot, they have this stupid little handshake that involves fixing their hair in a awkward manner. My granny also got on our case about not putting our dishes in the sink.

You ever notice that with chinese parents or grandparents, they keep nagging you about things over and over again until you just want to punch them in the face? They treat you as if you're mildly deaf and mentally dense. Especially my granny. She repeats things over and over even after we answer it. It almost always ends up with us raising our voices:

"Bring the dishes over to the sink."

"Okay."

"Hurry up and bring the dishes over to the sink."

"I am."

"Oh my god you useless fool, bring the damn dishes over to the sink."

"I am."

"Hurry. Bring the dishes."

"I AM."

"Bring them. Bring them, damn idiot."

"HERE. You want the dishes? HERE YOU GO. DISHES. HAPPY, YOU HAVE YOUR DISHES. ARE YOU HAPPY? DISHES. SEE? DISHES. D-I-S-H-E-S. DISHES. ****!" (picture my younger sister jabbing at a dish because she is the evilest.)

"What about the rest of the dishes?"



That pretty much looks like an exact portrait of my family.


I did have some interesting conversations with my friends though:





I know, I know. I am the bestest friend a teen could have.




Yeah. I have lame comebacks. Do not judge me. I am Chinese.

Lastly, I was drawing a picture for my friend's birthday. I hope he likes it. It was supposed to be a guy, but my family said it looked like a girl wearing a dress. They are just blind and need glasses.

I'm going to Waterton for a few days. Might not be back, but wish me well. I will need it.

Blog 3 - A Visit to the Dentist and Soy Sauce

I was woken up early (and by early I mean 2pm) to go to the dentist's.

I can't say I'm really fond of going there. Actually, I can almost say that I hate it. I just don't like the whole idea of letting someone poke strange tools in your teeth, or the taste of that minty-tasting gel-like chemical they clean your teeth with. At least the lady who did my teeth was quiet. In the next area, my sisters were getting their teeth cleaned, and all I could here was someone asking a bunch of questions, and my sisters attempting to answer. It went something like this:

"So it's summer break?"

"Rah-huh."

"So you go to school in September?"

"Rah-huh."

"Oh, that must be fun, isn't it?"

"Ugh."

I could picture them clearly, with their gel-filled mouths, trying to talk while someone cleans your teeth. It couldn't have been pleasant. I can't say that my experience was perfect either. When the actual dentist came, they started to prick my teeth with some metal object and a gush of water was sprayed into my mouth. I swear I must have looked like I was drooling, or at least something similar to this:



But that wasn't as bad as being told that I had a cavity. I never really expected that. My sisters later told me that they would fill it up with something silver, or black. I didn't want to have silver teeth. Hell no. Bring on the gold, baby! (as my friend had recommended).



Who wouldn't want blinged-out, gold-studded teeth? It does have its perks, if you know what I mean. Anyways, I was later told that it's actually the color of your teeth... too bad.

We went home, and thankfully we weren't watching the family channel (there's no shame in liking it). While we were watching, my younger sister was complaining about my older sister's feet. Apparently Chinese peoples' feet smell like soy sauce when they're all dirty and nasty. That's still better than my mom's gas. When we were at the front door, and all of us were bickering, my mom did what any good mom would do and stopped our arguments. For all of you parents who need some help, then maybe you can learn something from our little scenario.

So my mom goes up to the door, while my cousin and sisters are yapping like mad chickens fighting over a dried potato. She raised up a hand and said, in a calm manner:

"You guys, listen carefully."

We all stopped and stared at her.

We shouldn't have, because then she let out one of her disgusting dynamite farts, which made us all cringe at the sound. If you don't know what a dynamite fart is (WARNING: MAY BE TMI) it is when you let one rip, and it just keeps coming, kind of like the sound of a train: poof poof poof poof. Thank god I was too far away to get infected by the stench, but it really did make us all shut up. Of course, since we did all have to hold our breaths. No one knows the stench of a Chinese lady's gas until they experience it for themselves. And then, they probably would never want to ever again. And it's definitely nothing like soy sauce.

Then I just rushed down to the basement and went on the computer, and chatted with some of my friends. If you're interested in some of our conversations, they're usually just full of idiotic things, which I find unbearably funny. And yes, I am the one writing in blue. I have to add, though, that I have a bad habit of using a particular smiley, which ends up in me chatting about extremely idiotic things.





They might have not been very funny, but they are stupid. Can't beat that. And no, I do not know what a flip stick is.

Anyways, for the past few days I've been eating chicken wings, because it seems as if that's the only thing we have in the house other than Chinese food and blueberries. Chicken:



Now for some random de-motivational posters I find funny.









That's about it.

Blog 2 - Inception

So, a new day is here and so are new memorable moments.

I was woken up by my cousin in the evening, around 5 pm (what? I was tired). I mumbled something, got up, and took a shower. Then I went up to the living room, where I was surprised with a few of my mom's visitors. There were two kids and her friend. Well, when I first came up, one of the kids just pointed at me and said "Look at that" (I didn't know what that meant, but I thought I looked presentable enough). I gave them a half grin and narrowed my eyes. I think they got the point, since they just turned away after.

I walked into the kitchen, grabbed a drink and went on to listening to my mom's conversation with her friend. I can't say that I eavesdropped--okay maybe, but you can't blame me. They were right there in front of me. I'd say that I was just... getting involved passively. They were talking about pigeons.

You see, we have a bad pigeon infestation by the pillars above the front door of our house. A pair of pigeons live in this little nook above the door all year round. And, as all animals, pigeons need to go to the toilet. It's pretty disgusting, if I do say so myself. You can't walk out the door without seeing a mound of feces by your feet (and yes, we do clean it up often--not me though, can't catch me doing that. I don't have the stomach). We tried to get rid of the pigeons, but, there's always others who disagree strongly.

It's an old Chinese saying, that if you have pigeons living by your house or on it, then you will be prosperous and wealthy. I don't know where they got the idea. The only thing we seem to get in excess is pigeon dung. This does remind me of a time my older sister had a pair of pigeons. I remember fondly that one of them, named Yang, used my younger sister as a "toilet." That was loads of disturbing fun.

Anyways, I went downstairs to change (or rather, I was dragged). My younger sister tried to pick out clothes for me, saying that I was too "dark," but I ended up wearing whatever I wanted anyways. I went outside and saw them by my whiteboard. My whiteboard used to be all shiny and pure, but now it was just messed up with scribbles and random phalluses--if you don't know what this means, it's the "under there" of a guy. Perverted teens these days. I guess drawing that stuff must be a turn on. I remember a kid in my high school who drew one on his binder and got suspended. Guess the teachers must be really out of the times (insert face palm here ). Luckily, I was able to disguise one of them as a face. My cousin made the other into an elephant. Art. There's nothing quite like it.

We went to watch Inception in the theaters after that. I have to say that I liked it a lot. If you haven't watched it, you should. My younger sister liked it as well, even if she claimed that she didn't understand half of it. She did find Arthur in the movie "hot." But oh, boy. Don't look at the wikipedia picture of him. Whoever took that picture should really keep such photos for his own personal dirty use--if you know what I mean. But if you're interested, here it is:





When my mom came to pick us up, we were all pleasantly (maybe) surprised that my older sister was there.

"Why the hell are you here?"

"Why not?!"

Oh yes, we love her to death. Anyways, we went home while singing along to Billionaire. Finally, when we reached home, I had a bunch of Asian food (of course!). Then we all went down to the basement. They read my old blog (my younger sister did) and she was squeezing my neck --nonthreatening of course. They took my white board and began drawing on it. I didn't know what, but let's just say that I pretty much have a good idea of what is going to be on it. My cousin and my sisters went into my room, apparently to "tell stories," but I would probably think that they're all crunking, or giggling like little doofuses while wearing Hannah Montana wigs and looking like:

I have to admit, though, that my male cousin can do the body wave like a convulsing monkey with lipstick. No, I was just joking. He is rather good though. I am sure he practices a lot for the day he can wow all of the girls in the club. And, yes, I have to admit also that he can do it better than any woman. I, myself, look more like a pig with a stick shoved up her butt when I attempt to dance. After the first time I tried, I decided never to do so again.

And if you're wondering, I finally did get a look at the whiteboard. It was nothing like I had expected.





This is not what you think it is:



This is definitely not what you think it is. It is a subway with two tomatoes, apparently:



A.. bug?:



Will refuse to say what this means:




If you're wondering what the text reads:

Red - My older sister
Grey - My younger sister
Blue - My cousin

From my younger sister:

Chloe a.k.a Cholo
- Even though you can be a pain in the asshole sometimes... you can also be chill too, bcuz you buy me candy and do things for me that's stupid megan ( who replied: shut the f--k up, I buy you sh*t too...) can't :). You are my smart, angry, hermit,scary, cool older sister & chyeah. Don't be so shy and spread the <3.

From my older sister:

Hi Second baby sister! My lovely, beautiful, sister :) I lave you w/ all my heart even though you're annoying as f--k. Jk... >:) (not really) But srsly, even though we have our days when we want to rip our heads apart you're the bestest sister I can ever ask for. Yes, you're a strong person and I admire that a lot.
-Love your Jai Jai

From my cousin:

Dear second oldest cousin. F--k that, I'm using caps b/c it's huge like my dinosaur sized 8=D. You know, subway meal with two tomatoes, sicko. Tired of being alone? Sick of being single? I think you need you a girl, just make sure she's SNSD material aka goddess tier.
-From Goh Goh

Blog 1 - Why is it So Hot?

Hi...

This is extremely awkward. I never know how to start writing. So I'll do what any normal human being would do and introduce myself.

I'm a teen, female, and Asian. Before I continue, I just have to add that this is not an online dating relationship profile, as much as it may seem. I do not accept dirty messages of any kind unless you're a sexy exotic-looking millionaire. Of course, I'm just joking (insert wink here). No, I'm really joking.

Now where was I? Right. Introducing myself. I come from a typical family -- I live with my two sisters, my mother and father, and my grandma. I don't have pets. Pretty normal, if I do say so myself.. well, sometimes that is. You see, we do have our strange and odd moments. And that's why I'm here: to inform people and to spread the word about how crazy Chinese families live (not that it's very important, but I'm going to do it anyway).

And without further ado, here goes my first installment.




Today it was hot (and no, cousin -- if you're reading it -- it's not because you're here). I slept at 7am and woke up at 4 pm. And as I've said many times before you don't want to know why (let's just say that it's my little secret). I walked upstairs( I live in the basement). The TV was on, as always. I don't really remember what was on, but it was probably the family channel with Hannah Montana or something like it. That's not really my thing, but it's more like one of my younger sister's guilty pleasures. Sometimes I wonder if she secretly puts on a Hannah Montana wig and dances while listening to Can't be Tamed. I really hope she's not reading this right now, because I'd be stuffed in the garbage, or tortured painfully with a knife until I agree to pay her fifty bucks.

Well, continuing on, I went into the kitchen and uncovered a plate of steamed fish. Part of its body was cut off leaving only the head and tail. Apparently I was supposed to eat it. And I did. I know, I know, it's gross, but what else am I supposed to do? I was hungry. And if my granny ever caught me throwing it away, I'd be smacked across the face with a pair of chopsticks. Then I just sat there mindlessly with my cousin, who's visiting for the summer, and my sister, watching a bunch of Disney actors do their thing on TV.

Fast forward a few hours.

While we were watching a few music videos online, my cousin and sister started questioning about my future. My parents think I'm going to end up like Bill Gates, but my younger sister thinks I'm going to end up more like a broke hobo who lives in her parent's basement alone. I have to say that I agree with my sister. She hit that thing on the head dead on. But that's not really what we talked about. It was more about love lives -- mostly on my younger sister's love life.

You see, my cousin, older sister and I are really overprotective of my younger sister, depending on the topic. I do feel sorry for whoever my younger sister's boyfriend is because then he'd have to face the wrath of my older sister, cousin and especially me. Sometimes I wonder if we're all just doing this because our own love lives suck. Then again, I'd rather just say that it's more of a natural thing. Well, my younger sister, being the brat that she is, decided to tease me a bit about mine. Being the sensitive smock that I am, I got all embarrassed and threw a wet tissue at her. And being the totally great and accurate tissue-thrower I am, it smacked her right in the forehead.

It doesn't end here. All three of us -- my sister, cousin and I -- began to have a wet tissue fight. The rules were pretty simple. Just hit people randomly with wads of wet tissue. My sister, of course, has the greatest strategies ever. I'll share some with you.

1. Make a lot of noises to confuse your victim.

My sister used this strategy first. She ran around the living room squealing like a hungry pig while chasing us down. Very effective. I was rendered extremely disoriented and dizzy from her squealing and got hit in the face with a couple wet tissues.

2. Make a hideous face and scare the crap out of your victim.

This is less effective, but works. She made a face that looked like a pig painted with clown make-up, causing me to cringe and cower in the corner. I was smothered with wet tissues all over my face.

We continued to have this tissue fight for a while, while running and screaming like banshees. Stupid, very stupid, but fun.

Then my sister decided to put on The Haunting. I have to admit that I'm a horror fan. I love things about horror, except I always end up being the only one screaming her ass off. I'm very fun at theaters. My voice overpowers the whole crowd. That was all good, until my sister decided that we should go out. It was late, very late. But, being the kind, nice, caring older sister, I went anyways.

While we were walking, I kept thinking that some creepy psycho killer was going to come out and kill us all. Luckily my cousin's crunking scared them off. I also think it's also the fist pumping (something he learned from Jersey Shore) that scared him off. After all, when you see some chinese guy waving his fist in the air, you know you should stay away (especially if you don't want to look like you're his acquaintance). I'm joking of course. His fist pumping is too high a level to be confronted.

Anyways, we bought a few snacks. The cashier charged me extra without me knowing until I went home. Then, while I was on the computer with my cousin, my older sister ran down screaming (we scream a lot) and she was telling me about seeing some shadow come out of her room. Now, I tried to console her, but I kept thinking of that psycho killer.

A bug fell from the ceiling, and being a coward, I screamed and nearly tripped over my chair trying to get away. The big was the size of a piece of dust. My grandma got rid of it, all while calling me a bunch of rude Chinese curses (my parents tell me that she really loves me).

Sometimes I wonder what she really feels about me. Oh well. We'll save that for another day.